Last weekend I traveled to good old Whitewater for some old fashioned fun(getting to literally mean 'old' fashioned...soon, not yet), to celebrate MVG and Streich's commencement from the University of Wisconsin - Whitewater. They too, will now feel the joy's of a world that doesn't give you summer vacations and where drinking is limited to 1 or 2....maaaaybe 3 nights a week if you're feeling adventurous. The obvious perk though of graduating is the sweet newsletter that shows up at your door to see if they randomly killed off anymore of your friends who are actually alive. I still say it is a miracle Jonny, if a fine institution like UW-Whitewater thinks you are dead, and then you aren't....well you sir, performed a miracle. Two more of those and you have saint written all over you!
I first stopped at Denny's to have a beer with the very goateed Peter Meyer, who apparently is waiting for 1995 to return. After the beer it is off to the party. The party was at Megan's place on Caine, which I was honestly pumped for. It had been a long time since I hung out with the EEE girls, and I was having Sigma withdrawal and I think they missed me too, or they better have!
I don't think it is a coincidence that the moment I showed up, the parentals left. They saw a kid, who had some obvious drinking experience...literally saw the beer gut and the alcoholically aged complexion. First up, after the cheese curds and what tasted a lot like cowboy potatoes, was some flip cup action. At first I was on fire, two flips was devastating to me. As we started up a game of survivor flip cup I was feeling good. However, after our team started to lose, I seemed to be the one that always got to drink the extra cups......then, tragedy struck. It took me about 10 flips on one of my cups, thus sealing my fate in survivor flip cup. I then remember NH telling me some news that made me happy.....then
So, suddenly I am at the Pub. I wish I could transport like that whenever I wanted to, but it seems to happen in WW only. Scientists should check that town out for some crazy radioactive elements or something.
Anyways, the Pub. I was doing my normal harassing of the bartenders. Trying to buy them shots every 5 minutes and asking why no one was around. It was 9:30 and they can't drink until Midnight. The beauty of the Whitewater bars, as most of you know, is the affordablity. I was low on cash and had just ordered 3 shots. I had $7...........anywhere else this would not cut it, and I was nervous about having to make a mid-shot ATM run. Naturally, $7 was enough money for those shots in WW. Then this girl had some fingernail polish and she wanted to try it out. So, my right hand was soon adorned with 3 shiny pink fingernails, oh goodie (more on those fingernails).
WHAM, I am at Pumpers. ew. What did I deserve to be transported to such an awful bar. I bump into an old Arrow buddy...we talk about stuff I am sure.
Now I have been magically transported to the Downstairs looking for friends who I have apparently lost. Then I get a magical idea, go order Rosa's and keep dialing away for friends. I have been calling NH now many, many times on my blackberry with no answer. Why the blackberry, because naturally, I lose people and my phone with most of my numbers on it dies. This leaves NH has the only relevant person in my phone for where I am supposed to sleep. I decide to take a break from my nonstop calling so I can enjoy my Italian Beef, where else, but on the street corner. Yes people, I had my dipping sauces conveniently placed on the sidewalk and chowed down to the looks of concerned drunks.
I then was struck with an idea, go to my car, charge my phone so I can call some people. GENIUS! I walk to my car (a 5 minute walk from where I was to sleep that night), and then I time traveled again. This time I was placed in the back seat of my car crunched up in the little Ion. I was shivering, just to find a hoodie laying next to me (not on me). Then my neck hurt a lot, and I found out a jug of window washer fluid had made for my pillow that night.
Well, what else am I to do at this point but drive home, 6 am.
Back to the fingernail polish. My friend Kristen was supposed to bring some remover over for me, but she fell asleep and never delivered. This left me going to work the next day in the office scraping furiously with my keys and a pen cap to get the shit off. I can't get it all off before I have a big meeting. I proceed to hide my right hand the entire time......then I found a dollar.
Anyhow, if you've ever been to Whitewater, and I know all 4 of my readers have, then you know that this is just a typical night, it is called being Whitewater Drunk.....and this sort of drunk is not acceptable in any other city that I know of.
People, do not let your kids go to Whitewater, I know I won't.
Current Dustin Info:
Location - Buffalo, NY
Song stuck in my head for weeks - Bon Jovi - Someday I'll be Saturday Night
Clothing - License Plate Boxers (picture that people)
TV Program Watching - American Idol finale (first show watched since auditions)
Favorite thing heard today - "Monkey wants my burger" (Red Robin commercial)
Food Ate Today - Panera for lunch and chicken parm from the hotel for dinner