Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Mark & Stacey Lange - The Finale!

Last Time on The Bantering Butteris

The heroes were on their way to the church via limo, running slightly behind schedule due to a greasy lunch. The Heroines were getting ready at the church. And I was in charge of two 'preciouses'!


After some brews on the limo, and the 'Good Doc' to mintify our breaths, it was time for our entrance into the church. Of course, it was early, and really no one was there yet, so, the entrance wasn't too grand, but, we were there. No one was missing, step 1 of a successful wedding complete! We all get to chill out in some side room for a bit, nothing exciting at all. Then a lady claiming to be the photographer finds me to take the rings for some pictures. Oh lord, I am being tested with these already, but she said my name, so I, without thinking hand them over to her and she disappears. Jon wonders if she isn't some scam artist at stealing wedding rings. I realize that my name is posted in the bulletin's, and one could easily assume the best man has the rings....she didn't have a camera with her or anything! Oh no! I really wasn't too worried, but, wow, I hope I don't give people any ideas on how to ruin a wedding yet get a couple thou' in the process.

The, so called photographer came back, with the rings, and a camera....and made us guys go outside, so, I guess she is legit. She takes some photos, I look fat...but it makes Mark look good, so, I guess.

Mark Has to Pee, Like 6 times

People were filing in now, most of us were mingling with some friends. I become nervous that I have drank several alcoholic beverages and had broken the seal. Thank goodness for an un-Catholic wedding I think to myself. Right before show time, I decide to squeeze what is left, just to make sure.

You know how when you are nervous, you have to go? Well, it is a normal thing, so if you don't know about that feeling, then you are weird. Well, Mark, made a few trips to the bathroom, and I of course find it amusing.

The Ceremony

The pastor tells Mark to take his place, seated just inside the doorway, and the girls make their appearance. We line up, and the guys are off. Dick messed up the positioning at first, but we quickly corrected the problem. Disaster avoided.

We all do the walk thing, grab the girls. Then Mark gets Stacey, she look amazing by the way! This may seem like I am being vague, but, it is a church service, nothing too out of the ordinary is going to happen.

I would like to say, that I feel that I have perfected the lip-syncing of church songs. The key is to actually air the words out.

So, the moment of truth, the pastor is wanting the rings for Mark and Stacey. I have been checking my pockets nonstop for the past hour, even during the first part of the service. I knew they were both there, but now, the hand off had to take place. I reach in my pocket, 1 ring....the other ring was stubborn and wouldn't get in my grasp. People, know this, Stacey has a ridiculously small finger, which leads to a tiny ring, which leads to me struggling to grab it. I did finally get the rings out and to the pastor, but not w/o it looking like I just played a game of pocket pool with myself.

After lighting the candle, Mark gives me a Hezbollah Style Fist Jab...I take this as a cue to brush the dirt off his shoulders as Stacey's train was being fixed. Then after the ceremony, I had to sign my name as a witness for the legality of their wedding license. I signed my name to perfection, thankfully, that was a lot of pressure!

Me and Limos Look Good Together

After the ceremony, the receiving line, and pictures, we hopped in the stretch Explorer for some drinks. Oh, and to go to a park for pictures, but mostly for drinks! First up, naturally, was to pole the bottle of Doctor. A couple passes back and forth, and it was cached pretty quick. I get out the Pucker (which I purchased with the aide of my assistant thanks to Giddee and Mark saying no one likes McGillicuddy). Well, guess what, no one likes pucker! Sara ruined the wedding...jk, we all did our best to take it down like champs. In fact, Jessie, Stacey's sis-in-law, took some of Erik's Jack Daniel Single Barrel and mixed it up with the Pucker for an Apple Jack....nice work Jessie!

We get to the park, and as we are getting out of the limo, someone asks me to hold their bouquet for them, I do, and get out of the limo to.....*snap* a picture being taken of me holding a bouquet...great! The photographer yells (more like tells) some kids to move, we take pics. Sara sucks at the Top Gun high five, Jon and Mark rock it to perfection though (I am starting to become the high five guy when drinking these days).

Now we are heading to the hotel...we are dangerously low on beer, so, when we arrive we all jet up to Sara, Jon, and I's room for the remaining beer. Yes, about 10 or so people in tuxes and dresses, 1 in a wedding dress, jam into this hotel room for some drinking action before the dinner.

Party Time!

After will kill the beer in my room, we go lineup for the introductions. We are walking to the Indiana Jones theme music. I have long been a proponent of the guy getting to choose the music to the Introductions/Grand March, and I had said to Mark some time ago about how at my sister's wedding they did the Star Wars theme, and I also told him that if someday, I ever get married, what I am going to have (I am not telling you people!). This scratched two items from his favorites, and he went with Indiana Jones, which worked out nice, for the new movie came out just a couple weeks previous.

We sit down, and Mark is talking about letting the crowd know that to get them to kiss, they have to make a putt. I volunteer, and when the glasses clanged, I gave the announcement, and decided to give an example of how it is done. I miss the putt, so naturally, I move the ball right next to the hole to cheat...and still miss the putt. Thankfully the photographer caught both misses on film.

What is this man rambling about?

Well, my other main duty, and final, as best man is to give a speech/toast. I had thought about what I wanted to say, but was nervous. I had a couple of stories, a couple of nice moments, and when it came time, Mark tells me no stories and to keep it short. So, I wing it! I honestly am not even sure what all I said, it was a big nervous blurb to me. I did mention how Mark told me that he was 98% sure he was going to marry Stacey after about 2 weeks of dating (I said 99% for a story's sake)...and, really, not sure what else. I can't even remember what I said for the toast. No, I was not wasted, I made it a point to not get wasted before this, I was just running on pure adrenalin, and here I was...two best friends of mine getting married and I am winging it. And then Allison, the Matron of Honor, gives her speech, and she rocks it, but I am pretty much sure that the girl's always out speak the guys at these things, so, I shouldn't feel too bad. Anyways, game on, I have nothing holding me back from getting wasted and having a rocking good time!

Dance, Dance

After consuming several/many beers, I am pumped and ready to hit the dance floor. Giddee and I join for a few slow songs, but our moment of glory came when a swing song came on ( I think it was at least). I proceed to try my best swing moves that was taught to me by some of my Highland gals. Problem: I am drunk and Sara doesn't have any clue what I am about to do. I swing her around a few times, and she gets these looks of fear on her face, which the photographer did a nice job of getting one of these faces of terror. All this dancing causes me to become disheveled, but, no stopping! Jon may have set a record for most dances with another guy.

Actually, I got upset that no one was around, but then went outside and saw everyone enjoying the amazing night. Couldn't have asked for a better day for a wedding. Once it got dark, everyone moved back inside, so, all good.

Actually, when it got dark, we were all instructed to go outside and light some sparklers in two lines. We do, and Mark and Stacey run under the sparklers. Seems dangerous, but it was neat. We light the leftovers and I make one of my patented, ridiculous statements. You know how with sparklers you write your name in the sky? Well:

"Everybody! Write your name, and pretend it's better than mine"

Yeah, I am an idiot.

Fuzzy Memories

None of this is in order I am sure, but, here is how it goes in my head:

So, we go back in, and it is time for the tradition of throwing items at groups of people. Mike catches the garter, which is hilarious for two reasons. 1) He is actually the next of our group of friends getting married, so, that worked 2) Stacey is awesome and had a Brewers garter, Mike is a huge Cub fan. Stef, Guss' girlfriend, and Pub girlfriend of many of us, catches the bouquet, and Mike and her share what I think was supposed to be a slow dance, though, it was, more like a drunken rain dance or something.

Now the dance floor was hopping, I think we brought the house down with some Beastie Boys. Andrea and I shared a dance to Take My Breath Away. I had to take a break from the dancing for a bit though. There were some sandwiches to help with our drunken hunger pangs, and Jon and I get the fantastic idea, to play bloody knuckles. We played for probably 30 minutes or so, it was very random, yet awesome! I should also mention, Mike talked with old people for almost the entire night (sorry Mark and Stacey's families). And Jon struck out swinging with Stacey's cousin, that was amusing to us all.

When it Hit Me

Now, I should preface this with letting you know that I was in a very unique situation. I had known Stacey since the start of Freshman year at UWW, and I didn't hang out with Mark (or know him for that matter) until a couple of years later and certainly became best friends with him. Stacey, would go out and have a good time, but she wasn't the every night bar rat like Mark and I were. When they finally met, everything worked out amazing (obviously)! But, I had the joy of watching two friends of mine fall in love (eww, emotions).

So, the night was winding down and of all the songs for the DJ to play, he plays Andrew W.K. - Party Hard. This song takes me back to the dorm days, when we would jam out to this song all the time. Not that it was an amazing song, but we just liked to horse around and have a good time. So, when this song played I mentioned to Stacey that the song will always remind me of the dorms and the good times we had. She says she knows, and that she requested the song. This still gets me sort of teary eyed that she did this, for it reminded me of the fun times that we had, and how far we had come in life since we were 18/19 years old. It then was the point that made me realize that two of my friends were happily married to each other.

I don't do emotions, but you know what I mean

So, I was going to go through some of the good times I had shared with both Mark and Stacey through the years, but they know them all, so, I'll just end it with this statement....You two rock.....and I am awesome

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Mark & Stacey Lange....Part 1

The Alarm Clock goes off....

It was time for Sara to get up. Girls, during a wedding, have to get up really early so they can have 123,328 bobby pins put in their hair. This was cue for Jon and I to get a complimentary free (redundant?) hot breakfast. I immediately wish America a happy birthday....Jon says he was just about to say that. Mark and Erik wanted us to get them up for said breakfast. They don't seem pleased when I call them...then knock on the door.

Happy 232nd B-Day America

So, we are sitting eating what is to be a poor free breakfast, and most free hotel breakfasts are, and we realize it is the United States of America 232nd birthday, thanks to our collegiate math skills.....yeah. Mark reminds me that I, as best man, am responsible for booze, and water, for the in between the ceremony and the reception. Now, I am not sure if Sara has ruined my first major responsibility by stealing the rings, but I am confident in this alcohol task. I have been known to make sure people drink beer, and or booze...so I was very very confident in this task (though concerned about my lack of monetary funds after the weekend before....the tux...the gift....the gas.....the weekend before....and the weekend before. Next time I am in charge, the bachelor party comes weeks before the wedding (especially if it is in another state), just redick how broke I was.

Woodmans = Cheap Booze

Jon, who declared himself as the Assistant to the Best Man the night before, and I, travel to Woodmans for some beer and booze. Now, let me take you back to wake up time. When we wake up, we ask Sara if she is ok with some Dr. for a shot liquor on the limo. She tells us that no one....NO ONE! likes Dr. McGillicuddys. We didn't believe her, but then Mark tells us during b-fast that he too dislikes the liquor of the gods. Ok, back to Woodmans. Jon and I want to get the 1.75 of the good Doc, but after our two convos with our friends, decide on the small bottle and a bottle of Apple Pucker for all the panzys. We also get a case of Miller and Coors (Lite/Light).

Proud to be an American

Back to the room, hitting the noon hour, not sure any guy is really showered, but there was history to be made. Joey Chestnut, was trying for a repeat of the Nathan's hot dog eating championship. We all respect Kobayashi, but he represents the bombers Pearl Harbor.....Japan, plus he has tendinitis of the jaw. We also are confused/excited by the Wii eating game. The thing is, the time was limited to 10 minutes, compared to the normal 12. Umm, of course, USA BABY! Joey, the hot dog machine, WINS! Today was going to be a good day. Wait, what? Mark asked if I got the water for Stacey...SHIT! I got it afterwards, thanks to a nearby grocery store.

You Ever Seen 5 Grown Men in a Hot Tub together?

No, this didn't actually happen, so, please read on.

After I finally hop in the shower, it has been foretold, by a piece of paper which had times of things to happen...we, as in the guys, were to dress in the same room. This seemed oddly gay to us all, but Mark had us all in the room of future love making (I hope), for some tuxedo dressing. We remembered the pastor told us to eat, so we delayed the dressing for some food. Problem, our procrastinating ways limited us to time. I, being the hotel connoisseur, remembered about the hotel room service, brilliant. Some want mozz sticks, some want wings, some, well no one cared really. I ordered an appetizer sampler, the lady said it would be there shortly....shortly....umm, limo will be here soon......we watch a lady look for a lost golf ball, and a guy go back and forth over the green....no food. I call, WAIT, food is here. We huddle to eat the bounty, and it was good. Someone (forgot who, sorry) asks Mark if he is happy that his final single meal is an appetizer sampler.....I think it is a fitting bachelor type of meal personally. We chow down, as we are not worried about messes as we declare it is ok to climb in the hot tub together, or the dual shower heads (we kid of course). Food down, tuxes on, beer grabbed (forgot about 12 cans in the hustle). We hop in the limo, drink a few beers on the way....followed by a round of the Doctor to make our breath minty and fresh.

OH, FYI, Sara did not steal the rings...I was now in possession of more than my life! Stay tuned....

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Mark & Stacey's Wedding - Prologue

July 3rd, 2008

The day before the big day. Kusch and I were to arrive in Appleton to pick up our tuxedos that were sure to make us look like...we were dressed in tuxedos. Anyhow, we had to leave early in the morning to make sure we arrived on time, and we had to pick up one Sara Jane in Grafton. The trip was, alright, nothing too epic here, but we did eat Atlanta Bread and I rather enjoyed it. Jon and I also made fun of the south a lot...that was neat.

So, we arrive and my pants were designed for nonfat people and Jon's coat was just not right, so we would have to come back at a later time, but whaaaaaat to dooooo for hours. The girls were all on a girl lunch, and wouldn't let Jon attend because apparently it was for some club, of girls.....or something. To the point! The original plan was for Mark, Jon, and I to go golfing, but it was sort of warm, Kusch was hungover, I was tired, and really, we just didn't want to. How were we to spend Mark's final afternoon of singledom? If you answered drink, or go to nearby Beansnappers, you are WAY wrong, we had ourselves a Jr. High type of day.

Fun w/o Drinking?? It can happen to you too if you follow your dreams

We kept the golf idea alive, but miniaturized the whole idea. Well, we didn't have the idea, or miniature any golf course, but there was a mini-golf course nearby and there was no stopping us from going. The course was intense (not really), for there was the possibility of losing your ball on the first hole (nope, these balls floated...miracle style). It was actually a lot of fun and we were all golfing about the same, I was consistently average and Jon & Mark had some hot streaks with a blow up here and there....this was going to be a tight one. The winner is....more on that later.

After we finished up the mini golf, we went to get some tokens for the batting cages (the place was a whole funland center). This was a lot of fun, I learned that I need batting gloves when swinging bats with little grip left on them. I also learned that I can consistently ground out to 3rd when hitting a 60 mph fastball. I also know that Jon can hit 80 mph.

The next stop at the Badgerland Sports Complex (I think) was the Go-Karts. It has been a long time since I have been in a Go-Kart, and frankly was nervous I wouldn't fit. I did, thankfully but I think I almost strangled myself with the seat belt. We all talk a bit of trash, and after we had some instructions to not horse around and ram into each other, we were off. Don't get me wrong, but every cart seemed to move exactly the same speed and we stayed the same distance apart, sort of, anti-climatic. We did at the end get to lap a woman, that was neat. It was fun still, and we had another ticket, so we hop back on. This time, there will be an epic moment. We were off, I was trailing Mark but was right on his ass, drafting, mind you. Then my moment came. Up ahead I spotted a woman and her kid in a dual kart, and they were moving slow. I was able to sneak on an inside corner getting to the side of Mark and then wham, he had to slow down for the slow lady. MWA HA HA! Eat that groom to be!

I should also note that we also all played some Skiball and other games that give you tickets. I suggested that we just give our tickets to some kids, but Jon snapped me out of my idiocy and we joined forces to get a hackey sack and TWO sets of vampire teeth (totally designed for kids by the way, but Jon and I still rocked the shit out of them)!

Finally we return to Stacey's parent's house to pick up Sara and drop off Mark, then we are OFF...to the hotel to check in. We all get ourselves looking mighty fine and once again are OFF...to the church for rehearsal. This is where I am handed the rings to protect and keep.....because apparently Mark and Stacey think I am responsible.

Guys, note, if you want to scare your future wife at the rehearsal, just laugh hysterically while practicing the vows. Good one Mark (though those in the crowd said he seemed the laughs were to hold back tears). I pretty much nail my practice runs because I am neat.

AND WE'RE OFF...to dinner at Frattello's. A really neat place right on the river. The dinner was put on by Mark's parents and I want to send a thank you. The menu was filled with fancy stuff and a cheeseburger. Mark, gets the cheeseburger (to be fair, he got it for the waffle fries, which were AMAZING). A few of the people got a blueberry beer, and we all decide that watching blueberries go up and down with the beer bubbles is indeed neat.

After dinner was over, Mark and Stacey stood up to say a few words about everyone in the wedding party, and it was very touching, I am being honest, I thank you guys a lot! Also, the mug and the jug of beer was awesome! While at the table we discussed what was to take place for the evening. Were we to get drunk, go to nearby Beansnappers...NO!

AND WE'RE OFF (sorry)....to the hotel pool. Erik (Mark's brother) and I had poorly planned and had to make a Kohls run for some board shorts. After quickly getting ready we head down to, what seemed to be paradise (or just a neat hotel pool). There was a slide, which we of course all slid down 'illegally' . The centerpiece was the 3-way basketball hoop, or a pole that had three hoops right in the dead center of the pool. The hoops were really small and hard to make because they were tall as well. Of course, we form teams. Jon and I vs Mark and Erik....winner was first to 5 (really hard to make), any of the hoops counted. This was really epic, the battle went on for hours, well, hour....maybe not even, and injuries were to be had (Erik developed a blister on his foot). In the end it was Jon's pure shot and my height advantage which really, yeah, really wasn't fair. Still it was 5-4.

It was time for bed, I proceed to tell Sara that if she steals the rings that I will be very upset at her and she will have ruined the wedding.

Stay tuned to see if Sara steals the rings and ruins the wedding.....oh, Mark won mini-golf 50 to Jon and I's 51

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Mark's Bachelor Party

Jake summed up this evening pretty well in his blog. Well worth the read:


Up next, Mark and Stacey's wedding

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Inner Thoughts and Latest News - #1

7/1/08 - Ok, so I was managing my posts, and came across this one that I was slowly working on throughout last year. Sort of forgot about it, but I don't want my efforts (how poorly they may be) go to waste, so enjoy.

For those that know me, you know that my mind is sporadic and random. I figured, what a better way to capture my often fleeting thoughts than with a blog. This blog will last until I feel it too long. This may take a week, two, maybe months. I will try to date everything and comment on whether or not I was drinking or not. This is sort of for myself though as well. I also will probably put my latest news in here as well. So...enjoy:

4/25/07 - In North Carolina - Chapel Hill

- Strangest thing just happened to me when trying to buy some brew. I am staying at the Holiday Inn with UNC theme, it is pretty neat,a nd I ate dinner at the Time Out Bar and Grill here at the hotel. I had a few drinks, but was sad that they had no local microbrews on tap, so I had some Sam Adams White Ale, having never tried it before (I like wheat based beers). I was intrigued that the bar's main special was bottles of Natural Light for $2.50....of course I thought to myself, that is no bargain at all...end of story, or is it? Anyhow, after lubing my throat up, I thought I would grab some more beer for the hotel, after all the Brewers just lost to the Cubs, and I needed some support (haha). I look up the closest liquor store, just a mere .2 miles (this is a college town after all). I roll up, walk in, walk around, look confused, walk around again, read every door...NO BEER!?!? The guy at the desk senses my confusion and asks me what I am looking for, then looks at me like I am an idiot when I ask for beer. He tells me that I have to buy beer at a grocery store or convenience store, then tells me that a grocery store is just down the block. So, a liquor store with no beer...a liquor store, literally. I go to this grocery store, which I should mention was the worst smelling place I have ever, EVER, been....like no one there wore deodorant, terrible. Anyhow, I walk around, find the micro brews, good, find a huge wine selection, good...walk, walk......where the hell is the normal beer? I grab a 6er of micro brew because I like to try the local flavor (saddened to find out I grabbed a Colorado beer). I ask the cashier, where they keep normal beer, like a case of Miller or something. He looks puzzled and says they have never sold that, maybe a case of Pabst one time. I comment that I have just been to a liquor store with no beer and a grocery store with only wine and microbrews. After checking my ID, he says "yeah, you definitely aren't from around here. TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE!! Ok, normal beer, nice, what do I want.....I glance at the window sticker special..$9.54 12 pack of Natural Light....ok, this town has an infatuation with quite possibly the worst beer ever. 6-er of Coors Light, and I am out.

-Ben Sheets was saddened to hear about his DL buddy Mark Prior being out for the season, and quickly removed himself from the game in hopes of joining him.


-After driving around the south enough times, I am officially sick of seeing the damned Confederate flag on cars...or anywhere for that matter. From now on, I roll my eyes whenever i see it. Stupid white trash, racist, retards.

Sorry, been sort of busy, back to it

6/15/07 - Cottage Grove

-Quotable - Tina - I am not even that drunk...I can still swallow

6/19/07 - Dallas

-This city is stupid to drive in

This is of course a sad story, but thanks for letting me know she was excited to have a baby....I would assume most expecting parents are.

- I heard on the radio today that Paris Hilton is reading self help books.....thanks radio for wasting my time.

July 31 - Atlanta

-It is really nice to hang out with Giddee, it has only been a month since last seeing her, but it oddly feels like longer. Anyhow, I was telling her of some stories of past travels, she told me I should keep a journal because of some funny stories I have encountered, which I have. I think this is a good idea, I might buy a notebook and write a journal when on the road. I will then move the good stuff to my blog, this of course reminded me it has been a while since I have posted a blog because I broke my personal laptop.

-Guess what this week is on the Discovery Channel...Shark Week. Honestly, I am sick of sharks, do something else, Lion Week......Tiger Week, hell I would watch Seal week! I am learnign for the 3234th year now that sharks bite humans from time to time, but mostly will not, yada yada yada

- I hate Atlanta traffic, it is so busy at all times, and downtown has like, 32 lanes on each side. The funny thing is, I seem to be the overly aggressive one, everyone is so scared to merge until they have like a 12 car length space

Reason 323 why I hate Florida

Florida optical-scan voting machines still flawed, report finds

Seriously Florida, it is your messed up voting that got us GW in the first place. You are trying to get too technical. No other state seems to have problems. Plus, don't half of your citizens probably have glaucoma or something because they are so damn old?

- Giddee and I brought up the "Greatest Story Ever Told" yet again, making me truly believe that our group St. Louis trip could honestly be, the greatest story ever told.